The LORD will give grace and glory;
No good thing will He withhold
From those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11b

What comfort this gave to me last night when I had to get up and bathe in hot water in order to relax, only 20 minutes after I'd fallen soundly to sleep. My body ached with the weight of the baby. By evening my hip joints are quite painful & stay so through much of the night. But by morning God's mercies are new & the pain is gone. As I read Psalm 84 in my discouragement, verse 11 reminded me of 2 Corinthians 9:8 & I was encouraged again to wait on God. This morning I tuned in Trans World Radio & a British Christian program where the speaker was talking about Caleb & his faithfulness. He made the point that we do not receive God's blessings because we don't obey His word. It struck me that women cannot trust God re: childbirth because they trust Man too much, & therefore are robbed of the blessings of His perfect care. There are too many enthymemes in this for it to make sense to any but me & maybe Cal & Nancy, but I believe it is true & wish I could say it well enough to help other women.

Psalm 119:73 Your hands have made me and fashioned me. Give me understanding that I may learn Your commandments.

I never want to write but so often feel I should. So many thoughts & lessons pile up. Right now I'm resting after a long day with Cal in Dundee checking out the hospital. David just fell playing tag with Susan on the front patio, ripping his jeans & his knee--so after a hair trim he's soaking in my bath tub. He is a dear boy after all--It's just that he keeps me so busy correcting all the naughtiness that I haven't a chance to see his better attributes. He's growing up so fast & craves autonomy. But he doesn't deserve it yet--shows too much irresponsibility just yet. Two chickens are roasting in the oven for dinner. It has been a sunny day and the late afternoon light is streaming into my bedroom. The violet Cal bought me our first week here so brilliant in the sunlight.

We saw the baby today. Could have know the sex but chose not to. The baby looked healthy & active & measured 23+ weeks. They were scanning every woman who came through the clinic--it is a teaching hospital & an experienced doctor was training a student doctor to scan. I thought even that the face--what we could see of it, reminded me of Peter or maybe Kilby. What a wonder it was to see our wee one moving around inside me. Other than that, our time at the hospital was quite a waste of time. They took over two hours to gather information I could have given in 20 minutes! Cal says it's jobs that are important & the bureaucracy is established to provide & ensure jobs. I'm not sure that completely accounts for it all; I am sure the free market works more efficiently, more cleanly. The hospital gave us the creeps & seemed dirty. Of course we didn't see behind the closed doors of the wards...


Written on the bottom of my journal (which Craig Lyon gave me before we went to Scotland) are verses. I have underlined Proverbs 4:23 which leads into the next comment.


Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. How cluttered they make childbirth. Reading all the posters & magazines just depressed me. So much false knowledge. So much "scientific" interference. How much nicer to know God is creating life within me--it is His project--He's given me mine in keeping the rest of the family fed & clothed & educated. I can leave long clinic lines & worldly childbirth literature behind & go forth in joy, carrying this life until He causes it to issue forth. Cal & I noticed how gray & unhealthy everyone looks to us around here. Would this me a missionfield for the likes of Nancy [my midwife from Arkansas] & others? Teaching people how to eat healthily, to live healthily? I'm amazed to see so little plain food in the stores, or plain food in large quantities. Everything seems processed & prepared. And I find a little difficulty in preparing things from scratch--certainly baking isn't the same. With so many bakeries near I've given it up but for an occasional loaf of French bread. But even the meat cooks a bit differently from what I'm used.

We found the director of midwives, Miss Hogg, to ask for a reference for Sharon M., our new midwife. It was nearly impossible to get a direct answer from her. She wanted us to make an appt. to talk over home delivery. We finally communicated that all we wanted to know was if Sharon was competent. She didn't seem to want to vouch for her, everyone is so afraid of being held accountable! But she did say she'd managed one of Sharon's home births. At least we know she's done them successfully then.

Actually, later asking Sharon for refs. she could only give me one that she'd done & the woman reported that Sharon was on the phone with the hospital nearly the entire time. Not at all a comforting recommendation.

I was so discouraged after my interview with the doctor, an urbane middle-aged woman who kept expressing her astonishment that I had 6 children. She said they frown on home birth and indicated it probably wouldn't be possible given their system. She offered to write a letter of introduction to the hospital at Dundee in order to get me started into the system. I don't want to be in the system but I couldn't see any way to get prenatal care or back-up care in case of complications. The apparent self-centeredness & self-indulgence of the British culture which show itself in the small families and amazement that anyone would have more than two is so depressing to me. How dreadfully I miss the community of reformed Christians back home. Oh were is one other big family?! Where are people who love the Lord and trust Him? We had Kristy Cosden over for dinner along with Brenton. I was depressed & tired but remembered Cal's reading of Luke 11 & the lesson we long ago learned to ask God for what we needed in order to serve others. Dinner of baked haddock was delicious & pleasing to everyone. Kristy gave me a name of a woman to call who could give me information about private midwives & home birth. I called today & received the number of a midwife in Anstruther and encouragement that the "system" was not the only way to go.

Last night going to bed discouraged I had a long dream about M.N. (representing, I think, godliness) & awoke greatly refreshed. Today as Cal & I returned from shopping I began singing "A Mighty Fortress" & he joined me by the second verse & I found the meditation of it a great reminder to me. And this morning or last night at some time I remembered 2 Cor 9:8 which I'd nearly forgotten. Thank you, Lord, for meeting me at my need.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you that in all things, at all times, having that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Oh, give thanks to the Lord. Call upon His name; make known His deeds among the peoples. Sing to Him; sing psalms to Him; talk of all His wondrous works. Glory in His holy name. Psalm 105:1-3

Fife Health Centre, 3:30 pm Tues

David & I walked here from Hepburn Gardens for my appt w/ Dr. Randall. We passed all the children & mothers going home from school. The walk took us less than half an hour. I found it lonesome and humbling to pass all the newer, simpler St Andrews homes with young mothers standing in the doors greeting their little children. A past world I know nothing of as a mother since we homeschool. I don't believe anyone does it here in Scotland. People are so surprised when I tell them we teach our children at home. I found myself eager to go shopping at Sam's! (Cal is quite frustrated with the inefficiencies & inconveniences of the economy here. Indeed, it will be a challenge to shop every day just to put meals on. Yet, we're here, for better or worse, and we can't go home until our time is up and we'll just have to submit to how things are.) I'm here at the Health Centre to get into the system. Only by seeing a doctor first are you able to get referrals for midwives. I think it abominable that I, a foreigner, can come for ten months and get free health care with not a bit of documentation. I would not do it, but I can't see an alternative. I can't even find the private doctors without entering the system. I came because last week I began to worry that I could not feel the baby move ever. Saturday we came in to hear a heartbeat. Now I'm beginning to feel some movement and I feel sheepish that I don't trust my gracious Father more completely. I would like to never come again & just have the baby at home when it comes. Maybe I can do that; but now I'll lay groundwork for medical assistance.

I do find the system here of the doctors attending the patients, calling for them in the waiting rooms themselves, not a bunch of nurses & preliminary tests, a refreshing change.
MacGregor [our landlord] told me this morning that they would not be providing another bed for us. I got his permission to put the bed frame away & put the mattress on the floor though he seemed a bit prickly about it. Then we learned through an appt w/ realtors who showed the house today that they still intend to sell it.