(The date on this photo is arbitrary since I don't know the date. But Grace appears to be about three months old and it would have been a Sunday since the girls are in their matching calico dresses.)

I've gone to bed alone & early. Wish I'd write all the time. Always things to remember or think about. But days slip away--full in themselves--becoming part of me. Unrecorded.

Today we took a drive with all the children but the babies around Fife--very early on a Saturday, before the traffic--after the kids woke us. But Laurie [my sister who was visiting] slept in. Then this afternoon Laurie, Fawn [our nanny], David, Peter & I drove down to Guthries' to see her dolls. She gave me one for Grace.

The children are in bed, the laundry going, the house straightened by Fawn, the potatoes for tomorrow washed & drying. Half of the clothes are laid out as a head start for tomorrow. I'm in an irritable mood, depressed for ruining Grace's hair with coal tar that Di gave me for cradle cap. Not sure it took the scales but it took some of her hair & what's left is coated with coal tar I can't wash out. Smelly. Ugly. I'm not angry at Di--much--only terribly hurt & offended that I've ruined Grace for awhile. And Cal doesn't take it seriously. And I'm tired.

Bathed Arthur John this afternoon. How tall he is growing! And his clear blue eyes are so beautiful. I'm afraid he's quite spoiled & I regret not being able to handle him--having to give so much of him over to Fawn. I guess I should think how terrible it could be with someone not so sweet as Fawn. And I know she is God's provision right now. And I know God will help us to mold AJ into the form He wants. We had fun playing peekaboo while I was dressing him. He would go behind the bathroom door and say "boo".

Peter is another heartache to me. He's such a tender boy. He used to be so jolly & friendly but now he is often moody & shy. He struggles with thumbsucking & wetting. I wish we could just love him up instead of disciplining him for all of it. I pray all this will lead to good character. I am very uneasy about it but can't convince Cal about it. Doesn't he see how ineffective we are? Doesn't he see how it is putting enmity in our relationship with Peter? God, please help us both see it rightly. [When we returned to the States I got our pastor involved in the question of our discipline of Peter. Their family had handled thumbsucking differently, and his counsel pressured Cal to let go of it all. Who is to say that we were not close to winning with Peter? But in following weeks, AJ picked up thumbsucking so he could be like Peter. I think it was a mistake to go beyond Cal's leadership. I'm not saying that we were doing it right.]

And I have to stop writing about the kids because I'm just being negative & making everything worse by writing about it.

Lord, please help me to submit to You, to Cal, to life as it is given. Help me to love my children & to trust you for their growth & happiness. I wish I could resolve this conflict I feel over needing Fawn's help & wishing her gone so I could have the children all to myself. I pray for wisdom. I'm just so mad at everyone right now. Lord, forgive me for my lack of faith & help me to trust you to work all tings together for the good of us all. Forgive me for petty jealousy & resentment. Help me to bless. Help me to love for love is not irritable.

Laurie left today. David locked the key in the van so there was a sweet delay while Cal & a man from AA went for a new key in Dundee. Laurie challenged Susan's bad attitude about the delay & soon they were cheerfully making sandwiches for lunch to eat on the way to Edinburgh where the older children were going to sightsee with Laurie while Cal studied at the library. By the time they were off, the rain had passed & the sun was coming out. It was very windy all day. But the sunset this evening was spring beauty. It's nearly 9 & still light! Laurie's visit was mostly a blessing but I'm glad she's gone because I'm so tired. Today once they & Fawn had left I got busy with the kids to pick up the house. We had a lovely time--just the six of us. I'm often at a loss on how to entertain them. But then entertaining them is not part of real life, really. At home [in the States] they'll fit in better with routines of chores & play. God help us in the weeks of transition ahead. More to write but I most go to sleep. It's getting too dark to write & I've been waiting to sleep all day! The quietness & privacy is so welcome.

The days pass sweetly. Saturday afternoon Nancy & I had a long conversation. She brought to my fear Luke 1:12, 13 ff. Zecharias was full of fear & the angel told him not to fear for the Lord had heard his prayer . . . We talked about the fear I have felt to enter labor. As we prayed together we understood that some of the fear was perhaps fear of God which is a good thing. He has graciously removed the other fears giving me a practical ability to rest & trust in Him--in His accomplishment of this birth, this blessing He has given.

Last night I had many contractions. Didn't sleep well because of it. But this morning they stopped. Nancy & I walked downtown & ran errands. This afternoon we talked more & I gained a new peace about timing as I heard Nancy's testimony about God instructing her during births to leave things alone--not to break waters or give tinctures, etc. but to let Him bring the birth about--that it was His work. What blessings she has seen in these last 7 births. When I reminded her of the ease & beauty of Rebekah's birth where the waters pushed her out so gently she was encouraged to realize God's purposes in it.

Today the children, who were convinced last night that the baby was coming, decided to forego schoolwork to clean house with Fawn as a surprise for me. The clean house was such an encouragement--especially the kitchen counters! It cleared up a little & the kids when to find the new park after lunch.

[Next entry is Cal's]: January 18, 1996--3:58 a.m. , Grace Andrea Bronwyn born; 4.32 kg = 9 lbs. 8+ oz.; 21" + 53.5 cm; head 34 cm. + 13-1/2"; attending: Nancy, Fawn, & Cal