Wonderful Lord's Day. Birthday party for Mallie. She was surprised, pleased. Jonathan Landrum came. Awoke this morning & heard first The Church's One Foundation. Longed to sing it at church. Then Kevin's sermon on Eph. 5:22, 23 was so fitting. He used it tonight at evening worship [the hymn I wanted to sing]. Also ##485 [O Thou That Hear'st When Sinners Cry], 550 [There Is a Land of Pure Delight], 605 [All the Way My Savior Leads Me]! What a wonderful time of worship. And all on just five short hours of sleep & a hyperventilating spell at 2 a.m. A blessed day. Paul Heubach comes for dinner tomorrow.

Had a wonderful hug from Elizabeth Compton after prayer mtg tonight. So full of friendship & love. I love her for loving me as an equal & not being afraid of my being so much older & experienced. What a lovely little sister. Who would ever have guessed it?! Especially dear as tonight when her husband prayed I realized that now it is that I would be having the baby I miscarried in January. Only now was there a tinge of longing for the baby & not just a complete acceptance of reality. I cried just a little bit. And I prayed God would bless them with many children. She's three weeks late on her period now & nursing Ruthie is painful. I was able to share with Eliz alone (who else but maybe Cal) my wistfulness over Thankful's death.

Kids' & I spent an hour at the Steeles' this afternoon while Alice worked at church. Pizza w/ Paul Heubach [an elder] who brought roses from Cal before prayer mtg. Paul's comments before prayer were so good & thoughtful. Hymn 649--More Love to Thee O Christ--Do we ask God to send those trials that sanctify & prove our sonship?

Had a good day after a discouraging start. Cleaned 7 storm windows & the living room window. Alice helped with babies. Called Pinky [my older sister] tonight as a birthday present.

I will extol You, my God, O King; and I will bless Your name forever and ever. Every day I will bless You, and I will praise Your name forever and ever. Psalm 145:1, 2

I left the church during the last hymn tonight in tears. Only David, who was already at the van with the babies who I'd taken out & spanked & carseated, saw me. And Alice who came to explain why she hadn't come for dinner. She said she'd pray for me. It is weariness at being without Cal, of disciplining the children & so ineffectively so constantly, of disappointment (or self-pity?) that some people never even talk to me, much less help me with a practical hand or a word of encouragement. I prayed for help & we were through with makeshift "Ramen Alfredo" by 8 p.m. The kids are now in bed & Becky here with me reading her Addy book. I pray, Lord, not only to get through this week, but to do so with more success than the piles & baskets & clutter around my room right now bespeak of last week's. I pray, Lord, for energy of body & of heart, for cheerfulness, for ability to guide the children. I pray for safety & a certain return of Cal. And I pray earnest for the salvation of my children for

It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. The words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life. John 6:63

Tuesday. What a day. God's mercies are new every morning. And His mercies of grace never cease to amaze me, to humble me. Last night as I lay suffering the worst pain yet with my throat & ear, remembering the chaos of the day, the pains of the day, the disorder & confusion; wanting to be able to sleep in--to draw only my children around me & do what I wanted--but unable to because Jon Cordes would be back, Mallie is with us, Sisi & Bethany wanted to come over--as I lay there discouraged & dreading the morrow I may have prayed for grace. And waking at 11:22 p.m. & 6:30 a.m. to phone calls for Mallie. The Lord kept reminding me of His sovereignty & my need to submit to it with grace & humility. And He gave me grace to do it. I woke this a.m. before six. Got up when Mallie's phone call woke Grace & got ahead of everything. All the children were groomed & fed before Jon ever came & with David off early to mow 3 yards & the children back in their routines. And the sun was out so they could play outdoors. And I changed B & K's schooling to simply reading a fairly long passage of their choice to me out of their Bibles. Took David to Arnolds' at 2--he would help Dean w/yardwork--& picked up Bethany who would help me with the children at Mountain Maze while we waited through K & S's piano lessons. We had supper at 5:30 after Lili took Sisi home (who'd come just before 2) with the Arnolds' kids (so they could go out) then David & I returned to Arnolds' to put Tabitha to bed. My throat is getting better I think & I'm going to sleep before ten. I'm so sleepy. Jon will be done tomorrow & it looks so nice.

Blessed is every one who fears the LORD, who walks in His ways. Psalm 128:1

How nice to sink into my feather pillow tonight. My throat still hurts when I swallow but I'm hoping it will be better in the morning. It is early & everyone's in bed. Much progress on extra clothes closet today & the kids mostly happy with the day though the fifth or sixth day of rain. I'm exhausted from battling with control over children all day. But direct interaction with all of them. I am learning to love them each. Lord, please bless us with enough health to go to church tomorrow. And perhaps Mallie's trip to Brazil will be a blessing in getting even closer to & getting more help from the kids. Lord, if her trip pleases You, make it also please Craig Lyon.

Cal was in Scotland for six weeks of doctoral research. Our home was still being remodeled by our friend, Jon, and Mallie, a student at Covenant College, who was to stay with me while Cal was gone, had a chance, last minute, to return to her family in Brazil.

Seems like as soon as I spoke of the joyfulness of life I've been tried and tested. My throat much worse with pain in my ear. Went to Dr. Newton who is checking for strep. Got on antibiotic. AJ & Grace sick & crabby. Grace crying herself to sleep tonight to the misery of everyone. I don't know how I can endure this long time without Cal to actively, practically head this family. Lord, grant us grace. I know it isn't right for me to burden Cal at this distance with my weakness, spiritual & physical. He must be free to accomplish his work. Lord, help me to see my help to him in this. Help me to help him & not to be a weight to him. Help me to turn to You, to know that You are my all, Give me grace not just to survive these days, but to bless my children, Mallie, the church, while loving them to the fullest for You & in You. And if it please You, dear Father, please heal & strengthen me physically. Or give me grace to live well for your sake in spite of my weakness.

Just found a hymn of Annie Johnson Flint & a wonderful melody to go with it.

He giveth more grace when the burden grows greater;
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase.
To added affliction He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

His love has no limit,
His grace has no measure;
His pow'r has no boundary known unto men.
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again!

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's full giving is only begun.

(Annie Johnson Flint 1866-1932)

How wonderfully God fills our days with joy. I think of the black daybook here on the floor beside me--what a bare skeleton that it is! I know the week ahead will probably bring Bed Baxter& roommates for dinner, our first week without Jon Cordes [our carpenter who was remodeling our "historic district" house with great skill] in a month, schoolwork, lawn mowing, & perhaps the Rutledges & Arnolds for supper on Saturday. But all the little spaces & many graces abounding in His love & joy & mercy. And now I've forgotten just what made me start out this way.

It's been a wonderful day in many ways. The best was probably this: At lunch with Duhms, Lili, Sisi, Mallie & Craig, Craig asked if I would to to St. Barnabas with her to visit Frances Byrd. We left after a game of "Family" with everyone--David Duhm reading to the little ones on the couch, Lili helping the girls with dinner dishes. I took Grace with us & a few marigold blossoms (again). Craig & I had good conversations there and back. Mrs. Byrd looked much better and was more alert than she was when I saw her a month ago. She was clearly delighted with our visit. At one point I carried Grace over to the desk in Mrs. Byrd's room to show her some other flowers. Then my eye was drawn to a pair of sunglasses. Mrs. Byrd's. Perhaps too large for little Mrs. Byrd. Why, they look like my ones for which I've been praying for weeks to find! I tried them on after looking at them more closely & fairly jumped around the room praising God, sharing the story of them with Craig & Frances. Thank you, Lord, for keeping me praying so faithfully for them. I feel now that you were encouraging me all along to believe you'd restore them to me.

This entry follows the last one by over a year. I think it is before the time that Cal is made an elder at which time we begin to carry a greater burden for the spiritual needs at the church, and a few months after a miscarriage. AJ would have been 2 and Grace 15 months old.

The time to write is so rare that I don't know what to do with it.

Re: the feeling of alienation at church. Perhaps if we could be asked to pray for the real spiritual needs of the people, to help carry the burden the the Ss must. I guess it is what the elders do. Or is it just a sinful desire to be "in the know"? Should I not just be content with serving the Lord with what He daily puts in front of me--my family, my neighborhood, those on my heart. Still, I feel as though so much I could do for church members in the way of prayer, exhortation, encouragement goes undone because of not knowing the needs. Father, give me meekness, humility, and a heart to serve You just where you want me.

Relieved two days ago to get another period. It helps me rest on God's goodness. He knows my willingness to bear Him another child. But also my dread at doing more. Today what sweetness watching dear little Arthur John, his blond eyelashes & brows, his blue eyes with unusual irises, his fine features, whispering to me as I held Grace asleep in my bed. What beautiful children. What blessings still unfolding. We see how David & Susan are developing, and the others take such attention, that it is easy to miss these little ones. God, please help us love them all. And how I delight in their joy when they greet each other. AJ finally woke her with his voice and after waking enough to get past crying, Grace nearly knocked him over with her hugs. She is such a good hugger. She must hug me each morning while I dress her, demanding, hugging as hard as her strong little arms can do.

Had Christian neighbors in to dinner today. The wife due to deliver a baby tomorrow. But Cal & I both concerned at hurting remarks they throw at each other.