Sunday evening. When Grace woke us (Becky & me; Cal in Chicago) this morning at 7 I tuned in the radio station that plays praise/worship songs on Sunday morning. The meditation on the hymns was a lovely way to begin the day. And much accomplished yesterday & no company today allowed me to stay in bed, resting with the children, enjoying the Lord. We had a breezy morning, dressed Becky first!, and were early for opening exercises. Even as we sang songs there I struggled with the ongoing battle of my soul--going through the motions I know so well in order to impress others. Oh, how I hate that sin. Oh, how I mourn for a real & present relationship with the God I praise. So many things make me stumble--my vanity for one. Before the service I read through the prayer in the bulletin, offering it to God as my own. This day I tried more diligently to sing my best, not thinking constantly about my best, or my impression on others, but trying to pray the words to the Lord. And still I am distracted. I fervently prayed that which I hestitate* praying--that God would do what He must to remove this self-consciousness from me--to make me pure & sincere. (*hestitation because I am afraid of His discipline, or afraid of being found out, or afraid of being embarrassed. ) And then the confession of sin for the day: ". . .praise has often been praiseless sound." Tonight Kevin mentioned this in his preaching: How God prescribed & then hated the sacrifices of his people, because they were not done in spirit & in truth, but were empty rituals. And then "Give us perpetual broken-heartedness; Keep us always clinging to Thy cross." And that is where I am. My soul does wait for the Lord. He is faithful, and He will do it. David told me this weekend that the devotions at the campout was about our need to have a relationship with God Himself & not just to talk about him or know about Him or to learn about Him from others. It convicts me. Even as I write I think of sharing my thoughts with Cal. And when is it just a quiet offering to the Lord? Came home tonight from church full of many thoughts I am unable to express. I do want just to be quiet and wait on the Lord. And I guess that is all I can do. I can't do things right in my own strength. I hid in the tree house for a few moments just for the quietness. I found I could not even pray intelligently. But knew my task, my place, my calling by the Lord I long to worship, to know, to see, is to go back to my family to serve them.

Father, thank You for giving me this day prayers you would so graciously answer & with such certainty. Thank You for all the beautiful ways in which many threads of thought were woven together today. Remember the thought as I gazed into the spring trees on the last curve before Rock City? A desire to be in Your presence, even if by death? And then the first hymn tonight--the one after How Lovely Shines the Morning Star--the one about life and death:

Jesus, I live to thee, the loveliest and best;
my life in thee, thy life in me, in thy blest love I rest.

Jesus, I die to thee, whenever death shall come;
to die in thee is life to me in my eternal home.

Whether to live or die, I know not which is best;
to live in thee is bliss to me, to die is endless rest.

Living or dying, Lord, I ask but to be thine;
my life in thee, thy life in me, makes heaven forever mine.