Susan's birthday. Made her cake a.m. while kids watched backhoe digging trenches for electrical lines & new water lines. Sandy [Fultz] stopped in. Dinner at M's & from 5-7:30 I had contractions & lots of anxiety. Left the children at M's & Cal went back with their pajamas. We straightened house & went to bed.

Stayed home all alone to sleep. Went to M's for lunch. We stayed there while Cal went to church for elder's meeting. Had 20 minutes of contractions mid-afternoon. We stayed for supper of frozen pizzas at M's after Cal's return. I am so heavy with baby!

Dr. Addington's predicted due date--came and went with no sign of labor. A difficult day emotionally--we shouldn't have due dates perhaps for the disappointment that follows when nothing happens. Invited M for dinner. She took Susan & Kilby h ome for overnight.

She washes dishes very well now, standing on the round, green ottoman. Susan is nearly 5 years old now. Today she and Kilby are at Nonnie's house. They played there yesterday & spent the night. We'll go there for dinner & bring them back home after. Susan continues to have an especially close relationship to Nonnie. Susan is a serious student & already can read nearly as well as David and with far more expression when reading aloud. How it warmed me to see her reading to little Becky (16 months old) the other day in the recliner. She will sit and compose letters to people, staying at it until she's finished. David's learned to play chess & now she works hard at it. She hasn't got the graphic & logical facilities that David has but a lot more perseverance and she's determined to learn. So she's been hounding me each day for the past two weeks to play chess with her. (I think we shall grow into quite a chess-playing family; as I practice with the kids I'm improving, too!)

Lord, please give me love, affection, and understanding for this beautiful little girl.

Decided to keep David & Kilby out of S.S. & since M. needed us & Cal was to have a mtg. w/ the session. I took them & Susan to M's mid-a.m. Then Cal took D & S to p.m. church & then home. K & I stayed here w/M. for the night. She's very discouraged & in great pain. Precious Kilby: when I tucked her in she looked up in consternation & said "Bible? Joy Joy?" Bless her--she knew we didn't have devotions! Thanks, God, for that. I sang a few songs for her and she was satisfied.

Nice, slow morning but I'm so tired for little sleep! Joy stayed till 11 a.m. leaving right after devotions. Since she'd never had grits, I made them & fried eggs for breakfast. Made potato soup for M's return & other food prep while kids napped. At 3 we left for M's & Cal went on to get her from the airport. I spent a nice afternoon (sunny & warm) w/ kids. Cal returned w/ M at 5:30 & took kids home for supper & bed. I stayed to help M unpack & we shared soup together. She's so tired but stays up. In a great deal of pain. I went home at 8. Cal & I watched Mutiny on the Bounty.

Cal brought me breakfast in bed right after I got up. Very late night at Sentis' Y a bad night of sleep & dreams of the clutter around Dean's life & mind. Cal also dreamt of Sentis. Day was difficult & I became very selfish by dinnertime--partly frustrated by routine of meals broken by Cal's use of dining table for editing. I irrationally lashed out at Bible study group. I'd like to go but it simply can't mesh w/ our needs right now. Gretchen called moments before Cal left to tell us about M's ankle! Bible study over early & Cal & David returned by 8:30. Cal brought vacuum, but forgot the part I needed so I returned Friday morning to get it--mailed present to Beverley & photo to George Grant--took kids to M's house to watch Charlotte's Web since it was raining out & I didn't need all day to clean. Home for lunch. Worked while kids had quiet times. Only Kilby napped. Nice evening with Knights and Stoltz. We sang acc. by Ken's guitar & the children were very well-behaved. Joy spent the night. Keith called--still in New York :-(

Woke very early refreshed. Had devotions while David sat quietly on the couch--he'd heard me creeping around as soon as I'd gotten up! Girls & Cal woke around 7. Kids & I went grocery shopping & found a new park (Sunset & 13th) to play in. The temps are high 60s!! Began chili for Friday night. Susan wet at naps for 2nd day in row. Left for dinner at Sentis' at 4 p.m.

Got up early & read Bible while kids awoke slowly. Discovered washer not spinning but later found it was caused by a stuck washcloth. Spent the day at home (David & Susan outside until David disobeyed by getting water to make mud in a hole--God gave grace to discipline him wisely & not to scream at him. He'd lied to me about what he was doing.) But ran to P.O. before 4:30 to mail birthday cards & mail for Cal. Took Kilby w/ me. Cal took kids to M's after dinner so I could clean. :-)

Intended to stay home from church for little sleep but went anyway. Cal took us to Lin's for lunch after church. Home for naps (Cal studied) then to p.m. church where Cal preached on James 1 & how it relates to our young church. Home for alight supper of egg-in-holes & jello.

Took David to Ross's birthday party & the girls & I went to Donut Shop and Hancock's where I bought material for a new baby blanket & a skirt for Susan. Lunch of cheese and crackers at Wetherbees' then kids & I went to Springdale to Fed Ex Cal's index to Crossway & shop at Sam's. Stayed up late reading then couldn't sleep for grief about our relationship w/ the kids. Met Jesus 11:30p.m.--12:30a.m.

Meditation on Psalm 23

"From three very comfortable premises, David [Psalm 23] draws three very comfortable conclusions, and teaches us to do so too. We are saved by hope, and therefore that hope will not make us ashamed, because it is well grounded. It is the duty of Christians to encourage themselves in the Lord their God; and we are here directed to take that encouragement, both from the relation wherein He stands to us, and from the experience we have had of His goodness according to that relation.

"First, from God's being his Shepherd, he infers that he shall not want any thing that is good for him, v. 1. See here,

"1. The great care that God takes of believers. He is their Shepherd, and they may call Him so. Time was when David was himself a shepherd, he was taken from following the ewes great with young, Ps. 78:70; and so he knew by experience the cares and tender affections of a good shepherd towards his flock; he remembered what need they had of a shepherd, and what a kindness it was to them to have one that was skillful and faithful: he once ventured his life to rescue a lamb. By this, therefore, he illustrates God's care of his people; and to this our Savior seems to refer when he saith, `I am the Shepherd of the sheep; the good Shepherd,' John 10:11." Matthew Henry's Commentary

How this passage struck me this morning! The children and I had gone to Nonnie's upon rising so that Cal could catch up on much-needed sleep. She welcomed us and fed us breakfast. With Kilby sleeping on the living room floor, and the children happily watching yesterday's episode of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, I sat down in the rocking chair and looked for something to read. The John Wesley Reader wasn't right. All the titles were just more things about the Christian life. So I took a volume of Matthew Henry. Not remembering what it was that we've read recently for which I'd wanted to read M.H., I turned to Psalm 16. No. Then, Psalm 23. And all I had time for before returning to the demands of motherhood was what I've quoted above.

What levels of meaning, what allegory, what puns (yes!) the Lord gives us! Even now I stumble to try to sort out all that He has given me today.

I am a ewe with suckling lambs. "He also chose David his servant, And took him from the sheepfolds; From the care of ewes with suckling lambs He brought him, To shepherd Jacob His people, And Israel His inheritance." (Psalm 78:70, 71) The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want.

What do I want? Of what do I have need? Only this: that I may know God. That I may dwell in His presence. "One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the Lord, And to meditate in His temple." (Psalm 27:4)

How greatly I long for the time to dwell in His Presence. To dwell? Or to sit, like Mary, at His feet. Aren't I dwelling in His Ever Presence always? I remember long walks, watching sunrises, writing in my journal, reading classics of the Christian faith, watching sunsets, meditating and praying. These things brought joy, deep and abiding joy. Sometimes quietly. Sometimes riotously. And peace, and contentment, and a knowledge that I was dwelling in His Presence. (Psalm 42:1-5)

But now I am racing from diapers to poopy pants to dishes to meals to laundry to quarreling children to bumps and bruises to nursing to diapers. And back again. And again. And I know that my Shepherd appreciates this. And I think He doesn't even condemn me for not rising early each day to seek Him. He gave me these little lambs who need so very much. But still I want to sit at His feet like Mary, and not rush about like Martha. "The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want."

I shall not want. Cal tells me that he thinks the sense of this is that I shall, one day, have no more wants because He is my Shepherd. But today I might be hungry for Him. But He sees my needs, and cares for me like a shepherd who, with knowledge, cares for a stupid sheep.

And then the Lord shows me Kilby, smiling trustingly up at my tear-streaked face, unaware of my thoughts. Kilby darling, you trust me for all that you need. And you don't even know that you need it. You hunger for milk, but you don't know that it comes from my breast, or that it could come from a bottle. You don't know what it is, and you certainly don't know the word for it. You probably aren't even aware that there are things called words yet. (Though you are beginning to recognize that some of them mean things special to you.) And then I understand that this is the childlikeness that Christ tells us we must have (Matthew 18:3). Cal pointed out to me that perhaps I was striving to enter the Lord's Presence through old gates. I remember the joy and peace that former meditations brought, and perhaps I seek even these. (God forbid!) But here I can no longer enter, not with all the demands of my suckling lambs. Not now. But He is my Shepherd and knows how to care for me. And I remember that He is Present. I am in His Presence. Even when I am wiping up spills and runny noses. He bids me do His will and He sees that I have what I need. Perhaps He has taken from me the solitude of my childless days that I may more fully trust Him for all that I need in the way of spiritual food. I am unable to glean it for myself. In fact, like Kilby, I don't even know what to call what I need. I only know my need and His promise to meet it.

Thank you, Lord.

Tonight Cal read Matthew 11:1-19 for family devotions, and followed with a question for the children: "Why was Jesus angry with the people?" He was angry with them because they wanted things done their way. Lord, forgive me for wanting to receive Your Presence my own way. Thank You for this life of distraction and tears and scraped elbows and dirty clothes and giggles and spankings that you have given me. Help me to receive You each day in the way that You deem best. And thank You for teaching me this today, that I may dwell in Your presence a more contented child. I love You for nourishing me, I love You for your skill and faithfulness. I understand, just a little better tonight, that You do lead me gently, that You are gentle and loving.