Tuesday. What a day. God's mercies are new every morning. And His mercies of grace never cease to amaze me, to humble me. Last night as I lay suffering the worst pain yet with my throat & ear, remembering the chaos of the day, the pains of the day, the disorder & confusion; wanting to be able to sleep in--to draw only my children around me & do what I wanted--but unable to because Jon Cordes would be back, Mallie is with us, Sisi & Bethany wanted to come over--as I lay there discouraged & dreading the morrow I may have prayed for grace. And waking at 11:22 p.m. & 6:30 a.m. to phone calls for Mallie. The Lord kept reminding me of His sovereignty & my need to submit to it with grace & humility. And He gave me grace to do it. I woke this a.m. before six. Got up when Mallie's phone call woke Grace & got ahead of everything. All the children were groomed & fed before Jon ever came & with David off early to mow 3 yards & the children back in their routines. And the sun was out so they could play outdoors. And I changed B & K's schooling to simply reading a fairly long passage of their choice to me out of their Bibles. Took David to Arnolds' at 2--he would help Dean w/yardwork--& picked up Bethany who would help me with the children at Mountain Maze while we waited through K & S's piano lessons. We had supper at 5:30 after Lili took Sisi home (who'd come just before 2) with the Arnolds' kids (so they could go out) then David & I returned to Arnolds' to put Tabitha to bed. My throat is getting better I think & I'm going to sleep before ten. I'm so sleepy. Jon will be done tomorrow & it looks so nice.

Blessed is every one who fears the LORD, who walks in His ways. Psalm 128:1

How nice to sink into my feather pillow tonight. My throat still hurts when I swallow but I'm hoping it will be better in the morning. It is early & everyone's in bed. Much progress on extra clothes closet today & the kids mostly happy with the day though the fifth or sixth day of rain. I'm exhausted from battling with control over children all day. But direct interaction with all of them. I am learning to love them each. Lord, please bless us with enough health to go to church tomorrow. And perhaps Mallie's trip to Brazil will be a blessing in getting even closer to & getting more help from the kids. Lord, if her trip pleases You, make it also please Craig Lyon.

Cal was in Scotland for six weeks of doctoral research. Our home was still being remodeled by our friend, Jon, and Mallie, a student at Covenant College, who was to stay with me while Cal was gone, had a chance, last minute, to return to her family in Brazil.

Seems like as soon as I spoke of the joyfulness of life I've been tried and tested. My throat much worse with pain in my ear. Went to Dr. Newton who is checking for strep. Got on antibiotic. AJ & Grace sick & crabby. Grace crying herself to sleep tonight to the misery of everyone. I don't know how I can endure this long time without Cal to actively, practically head this family. Lord, grant us grace. I know it isn't right for me to burden Cal at this distance with my weakness, spiritual & physical. He must be free to accomplish his work. Lord, help me to see my help to him in this. Help me to help him & not to be a weight to him. Help me to turn to You, to know that You are my all, Give me grace not just to survive these days, but to bless my children, Mallie, the church, while loving them to the fullest for You & in You. And if it please You, dear Father, please heal & strengthen me physically. Or give me grace to live well for your sake in spite of my weakness.

Just found a hymn of Annie Johnson Flint & a wonderful melody to go with it.

He giveth more grace when the burden grows greater;
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase.
To added affliction He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

His love has no limit,
His grace has no measure;
His pow'r has no boundary known unto men.
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again!

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's full giving is only begun.

(Annie Johnson Flint 1866-1932)

How wonderfully God fills our days with joy. I think of the black daybook here on the floor beside me--what a bare skeleton that it is! I know the week ahead will probably bring Bed Baxter& roommates for dinner, our first week without Jon Cordes [our carpenter who was remodeling our "historic district" house with great skill] in a month, schoolwork, lawn mowing, & perhaps the Rutledges & Arnolds for supper on Saturday. But all the little spaces & many graces abounding in His love & joy & mercy. And now I've forgotten just what made me start out this way.

It's been a wonderful day in many ways. The best was probably this: At lunch with Duhms, Lili, Sisi, Mallie & Craig, Craig asked if I would to to St. Barnabas with her to visit Frances Byrd. We left after a game of "Family" with everyone--David Duhm reading to the little ones on the couch, Lili helping the girls with dinner dishes. I took Grace with us & a few marigold blossoms (again). Craig & I had good conversations there and back. Mrs. Byrd looked much better and was more alert than she was when I saw her a month ago. She was clearly delighted with our visit. At one point I carried Grace over to the desk in Mrs. Byrd's room to show her some other flowers. Then my eye was drawn to a pair of sunglasses. Mrs. Byrd's. Perhaps too large for little Mrs. Byrd. Why, they look like my ones for which I've been praying for weeks to find! I tried them on after looking at them more closely & fairly jumped around the room praising God, sharing the story of them with Craig & Frances. Thank you, Lord, for keeping me praying so faithfully for them. I feel now that you were encouraging me all along to believe you'd restore them to me.

This entry follows the last one by over a year. I think it is before the time that Cal is made an elder at which time we begin to carry a greater burden for the spiritual needs at the church, and a few months after a miscarriage. AJ would have been 2 and Grace 15 months old.

The time to write is so rare that I don't know what to do with it.

Re: the feeling of alienation at church. Perhaps if we could be asked to pray for the real spiritual needs of the people, to help carry the burden the the Ss must. I guess it is what the elders do. Or is it just a sinful desire to be "in the know"? Should I not just be content with serving the Lord with what He daily puts in front of me--my family, my neighborhood, those on my heart. Still, I feel as though so much I could do for church members in the way of prayer, exhortation, encouragement goes undone because of not knowing the needs. Father, give me meekness, humility, and a heart to serve You just where you want me.

Relieved two days ago to get another period. It helps me rest on God's goodness. He knows my willingness to bear Him another child. But also my dread at doing more. Today what sweetness watching dear little Arthur John, his blond eyelashes & brows, his blue eyes with unusual irises, his fine features, whispering to me as I held Grace asleep in my bed. What beautiful children. What blessings still unfolding. We see how David & Susan are developing, and the others take such attention, that it is easy to miss these little ones. God, please help us love them all. And how I delight in their joy when they greet each other. AJ finally woke her with his voice and after waking enough to get past crying, Grace nearly knocked him over with her hugs. She is such a good hugger. She must hug me each morning while I dress her, demanding, hugging as hard as her strong little arms can do.

Had Christian neighbors in to dinner today. The wife due to deliver a baby tomorrow. But Cal & I both concerned at hurting remarks they throw at each other.

(The date on this photo is arbitrary since I don't know the date. But Grace appears to be about three months old and it would have been a Sunday since the girls are in their matching calico dresses.)

I've gone to bed alone & early. Wish I'd write all the time. Always things to remember or think about. But days slip away--full in themselves--becoming part of me. Unrecorded.

Today we took a drive with all the children but the babies around Fife--very early on a Saturday, before the traffic--after the kids woke us. But Laurie [my sister who was visiting] slept in. Then this afternoon Laurie, Fawn [our nanny], David, Peter & I drove down to Guthries' to see her dolls. She gave me one for Grace.

The children are in bed, the laundry going, the house straightened by Fawn, the potatoes for tomorrow washed & drying. Half of the clothes are laid out as a head start for tomorrow. I'm in an irritable mood, depressed for ruining Grace's hair with coal tar that Di gave me for cradle cap. Not sure it took the scales but it took some of her hair & what's left is coated with coal tar I can't wash out. Smelly. Ugly. I'm not angry at Di--much--only terribly hurt & offended that I've ruined Grace for awhile. And Cal doesn't take it seriously. And I'm tired.

Bathed Arthur John this afternoon. How tall he is growing! And his clear blue eyes are so beautiful. I'm afraid he's quite spoiled & I regret not being able to handle him--having to give so much of him over to Fawn. I guess I should think how terrible it could be with someone not so sweet as Fawn. And I know she is God's provision right now. And I know God will help us to mold AJ into the form He wants. We had fun playing peekaboo while I was dressing him. He would go behind the bathroom door and say "boo".

Peter is another heartache to me. He's such a tender boy. He used to be so jolly & friendly but now he is often moody & shy. He struggles with thumbsucking & wetting. I wish we could just love him up instead of disciplining him for all of it. I pray all this will lead to good character. I am very uneasy about it but can't convince Cal about it. Doesn't he see how ineffective we are? Doesn't he see how it is putting enmity in our relationship with Peter? God, please help us both see it rightly. [When we returned to the States I got our pastor involved in the question of our discipline of Peter. Their family had handled thumbsucking differently, and his counsel pressured Cal to let go of it all. Who is to say that we were not close to winning with Peter? But in following weeks, AJ picked up thumbsucking so he could be like Peter. I think it was a mistake to go beyond Cal's leadership. I'm not saying that we were doing it right.]

And I have to stop writing about the kids because I'm just being negative & making everything worse by writing about it.

Lord, please help me to submit to You, to Cal, to life as it is given. Help me to love my children & to trust you for their growth & happiness. I wish I could resolve this conflict I feel over needing Fawn's help & wishing her gone so I could have the children all to myself. I pray for wisdom. I'm just so mad at everyone right now. Lord, forgive me for my lack of faith & help me to trust you to work all tings together for the good of us all. Forgive me for petty jealousy & resentment. Help me to bless. Help me to love for love is not irritable.

Laurie left today. David locked the key in the van so there was a sweet delay while Cal & a man from AA went for a new key in Dundee. Laurie challenged Susan's bad attitude about the delay & soon they were cheerfully making sandwiches for lunch to eat on the way to Edinburgh where the older children were going to sightsee with Laurie while Cal studied at the library. By the time they were off, the rain had passed & the sun was coming out. It was very windy all day. But the sunset this evening was spring beauty. It's nearly 9 & still light! Laurie's visit was mostly a blessing but I'm glad she's gone because I'm so tired. Today once they & Fawn had left I got busy with the kids to pick up the house. We had a lovely time--just the six of us. I'm often at a loss on how to entertain them. But then entertaining them is not part of real life, really. At home [in the States] they'll fit in better with routines of chores & play. God help us in the weeks of transition ahead. More to write but I most go to sleep. It's getting too dark to write & I've been waiting to sleep all day! The quietness & privacy is so welcome.

The days pass sweetly. Saturday afternoon Nancy & I had a long conversation. She brought to my fear Luke 1:12, 13 ff. Zecharias was full of fear & the angel told him not to fear for the Lord had heard his prayer . . . We talked about the fear I have felt to enter labor. As we prayed together we understood that some of the fear was perhaps fear of God which is a good thing. He has graciously removed the other fears giving me a practical ability to rest & trust in Him--in His accomplishment of this birth, this blessing He has given.

Last night I had many contractions. Didn't sleep well because of it. But this morning they stopped. Nancy & I walked downtown & ran errands. This afternoon we talked more & I gained a new peace about timing as I heard Nancy's testimony about God instructing her during births to leave things alone--not to break waters or give tinctures, etc. but to let Him bring the birth about--that it was His work. What blessings she has seen in these last 7 births. When I reminded her of the ease & beauty of Rebekah's birth where the waters pushed her out so gently she was encouraged to realize God's purposes in it.

Today the children, who were convinced last night that the baby was coming, decided to forego schoolwork to clean house with Fawn as a surprise for me. The clean house was such an encouragement--especially the kitchen counters! It cleared up a little & the kids when to find the new park after lunch.

[Next entry is Cal's]: January 18, 1996--3:58 a.m. , Grace Andrea Bronwyn born; 4.32 kg = 9 lbs. 8+ oz.; 21" + 53.5 cm; head 34 cm. + 13-1/2"; attending: Nancy, Fawn, & Cal

The LORD will give grace and glory;
No good thing will He withhold
From those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11b

What comfort this gave to me last night when I had to get up and bathe in hot water in order to relax, only 20 minutes after I'd fallen soundly to sleep. My body ached with the weight of the baby. By evening my hip joints are quite painful & stay so through much of the night. But by morning God's mercies are new & the pain is gone. As I read Psalm 84 in my discouragement, verse 11 reminded me of 2 Corinthians 9:8 & I was encouraged again to wait on God. This morning I tuned in Trans World Radio & a British Christian program where the speaker was talking about Caleb & his faithfulness. He made the point that we do not receive God's blessings because we don't obey His word. It struck me that women cannot trust God re: childbirth because they trust Man too much, & therefore are robbed of the blessings of His perfect care. There are too many enthymemes in this for it to make sense to any but me & maybe Cal & Nancy, but I believe it is true & wish I could say it well enough to help other women.

Psalm 119:73 Your hands have made me and fashioned me. Give me understanding that I may learn Your commandments.

I never want to write but so often feel I should. So many thoughts & lessons pile up. Right now I'm resting after a long day with Cal in Dundee checking out the hospital. David just fell playing tag with Susan on the front patio, ripping his jeans & his knee--so after a hair trim he's soaking in my bath tub. He is a dear boy after all--It's just that he keeps me so busy correcting all the naughtiness that I haven't a chance to see his better attributes. He's growing up so fast & craves autonomy. But he doesn't deserve it yet--shows too much irresponsibility just yet. Two chickens are roasting in the oven for dinner. It has been a sunny day and the late afternoon light is streaming into my bedroom. The violet Cal bought me our first week here so brilliant in the sunlight.

We saw the baby today. Could have know the sex but chose not to. The baby looked healthy & active & measured 23+ weeks. They were scanning every woman who came through the clinic--it is a teaching hospital & an experienced doctor was training a student doctor to scan. I thought even that the face--what we could see of it, reminded me of Peter or maybe Kilby. What a wonder it was to see our wee one moving around inside me. Other than that, our time at the hospital was quite a waste of time. They took over two hours to gather information I could have given in 20 minutes! Cal says it's jobs that are important & the bureaucracy is established to provide & ensure jobs. I'm not sure that completely accounts for it all; I am sure the free market works more efficiently, more cleanly. The hospital gave us the creeps & seemed dirty. Of course we didn't see behind the closed doors of the wards...


Written on the bottom of my journal (which Craig Lyon gave me before we went to Scotland) are verses. I have underlined Proverbs 4:23 which leads into the next comment.


Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. How cluttered they make childbirth. Reading all the posters & magazines just depressed me. So much false knowledge. So much "scientific" interference. How much nicer to know God is creating life within me--it is His project--He's given me mine in keeping the rest of the family fed & clothed & educated. I can leave long clinic lines & worldly childbirth literature behind & go forth in joy, carrying this life until He causes it to issue forth. Cal & I noticed how gray & unhealthy everyone looks to us around here. Would this me a missionfield for the likes of Nancy [my midwife from Arkansas] & others? Teaching people how to eat healthily, to live healthily? I'm amazed to see so little plain food in the stores, or plain food in large quantities. Everything seems processed & prepared. And I find a little difficulty in preparing things from scratch--certainly baking isn't the same. With so many bakeries near I've given it up but for an occasional loaf of French bread. But even the meat cooks a bit differently from what I'm used.

We found the director of midwives, Miss Hogg, to ask for a reference for Sharon M., our new midwife. It was nearly impossible to get a direct answer from her. She wanted us to make an appt. to talk over home delivery. We finally communicated that all we wanted to know was if Sharon was competent. She didn't seem to want to vouch for her, everyone is so afraid of being held accountable! But she did say she'd managed one of Sharon's home births. At least we know she's done them successfully then.

Actually, later asking Sharon for refs. she could only give me one that she'd done & the woman reported that Sharon was on the phone with the hospital nearly the entire time. Not at all a comforting recommendation.

I was so discouraged after my interview with the doctor, an urbane middle-aged woman who kept expressing her astonishment that I had 6 children. She said they frown on home birth and indicated it probably wouldn't be possible given their system. She offered to write a letter of introduction to the hospital at Dundee in order to get me started into the system. I don't want to be in the system but I couldn't see any way to get prenatal care or back-up care in case of complications. The apparent self-centeredness & self-indulgence of the British culture which show itself in the small families and amazement that anyone would have more than two is so depressing to me. How dreadfully I miss the community of reformed Christians back home. Oh were is one other big family?! Where are people who love the Lord and trust Him? We had Kristy Cosden over for dinner along with Brenton. I was depressed & tired but remembered Cal's reading of Luke 11 & the lesson we long ago learned to ask God for what we needed in order to serve others. Dinner of baked haddock was delicious & pleasing to everyone. Kristy gave me a name of a woman to call who could give me information about private midwives & home birth. I called today & received the number of a midwife in Anstruther and encouragement that the "system" was not the only way to go.

Last night going to bed discouraged I had a long dream about M.N. (representing, I think, godliness) & awoke greatly refreshed. Today as Cal & I returned from shopping I began singing "A Mighty Fortress" & he joined me by the second verse & I found the meditation of it a great reminder to me. And this morning or last night at some time I remembered 2 Cor 9:8 which I'd nearly forgotten. Thank you, Lord, for meeting me at my need.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you that in all things, at all times, having that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Oh, give thanks to the Lord. Call upon His name; make known His deeds among the peoples. Sing to Him; sing psalms to Him; talk of all His wondrous works. Glory in His holy name. Psalm 105:1-3

Fife Health Centre, 3:30 pm Tues

David & I walked here from Hepburn Gardens for my appt w/ Dr. Randall. We passed all the children & mothers going home from school. The walk took us less than half an hour. I found it lonesome and humbling to pass all the newer, simpler St Andrews homes with young mothers standing in the doors greeting their little children. A past world I know nothing of as a mother since we homeschool. I don't believe anyone does it here in Scotland. People are so surprised when I tell them we teach our children at home. I found myself eager to go shopping at Sam's! (Cal is quite frustrated with the inefficiencies & inconveniences of the economy here. Indeed, it will be a challenge to shop every day just to put meals on. Yet, we're here, for better or worse, and we can't go home until our time is up and we'll just have to submit to how things are.) I'm here at the Health Centre to get into the system. Only by seeing a doctor first are you able to get referrals for midwives. I think it abominable that I, a foreigner, can come for ten months and get free health care with not a bit of documentation. I would not do it, but I can't see an alternative. I can't even find the private doctors without entering the system. I came because last week I began to worry that I could not feel the baby move ever. Saturday we came in to hear a heartbeat. Now I'm beginning to feel some movement and I feel sheepish that I don't trust my gracious Father more completely. I would like to never come again & just have the baby at home when it comes. Maybe I can do that; but now I'll lay groundwork for medical assistance.

I do find the system here of the doctors attending the patients, calling for them in the waiting rooms themselves, not a bunch of nurses & preliminary tests, a refreshing change.
MacGregor [our landlord] told me this morning that they would not be providing another bed for us. I got his permission to put the bed frame away & put the mattress on the floor though he seemed a bit prickly about it. Then we learned through an appt w/ realtors who showed the house today that they still intend to sell it.