Father, hear the prayer we offer
Not for ease that prayer shall be,
But for strength that we may ever
Live our lives courageously.

Not for ever in green pastures
Do we ask our way to be;
But the steep and rugged pathway
May we tread rejoicingly.

Not for ever by still waters
Would we idly rest and stay;
But would smite the living fountains
From the rocks along our way.

Be our Strength in hours of weakness,
In our wanderings, be our Guide;
Through endeavor, failure, danger,
Father, be thou at our side.

Mrs. L. M. Willis, 1864

Weekend in Tallahassee

February 14, 2004

Scrounging in my purse for a pen I found the brightly colored gel pens that Grace tried to send home with Michael for her cousin, Claire. Life is so busy I haven't cleaned out my purse since his visit weeks ago! And what budding thoughtfulness inspired Grace to send the unneeded gift to Claire. Michael, packed tightly for easy travel handed them back to me after we left the house.

Cal and I are at Tom E's vacation house south of Cairo, Georgia. It was sad to walk in here & see the pictures gone from the walls & most of the books from the shelves. He has the house on the market now--so dreams of retreats here must come to an end. However, this retreat of ours this weekend is wonderfully needed & appreciated! Even with so many amenities missing, the quiet & solitude & natural & man-made beauty of this place blesses us. Oh that Tom would keep such a place as a pastors' retreat. Oh that the Lord would bless us financially to be able to make such a retreat ourselves.

I now understand the necessity of such retreats. And I bless the Lord for giving Cal & me so many small retreats of late: Lago Mar for our 20th anniversary, Ligonier conference in D.C. in October 2003, the weekend up here at this house with the children at the end of August. Time away from the sweet & never-ending responsibilities of life.

We read about sabbath laws this morning...

February 15

A beautiful cool, clear morning. Cal & I dressed for church & just went out for a short walk. The Ralph Vaughan Williams Hymnal CD is filling Tom's house (we figured out how to make the music come to other rooms). It rained all day yesterday. We stayed in but for a short walk late afternoon. Finished a quiet day of reading & resting with fettuccine, wine, & a round of backgammon. Father in heaven, thank You for this retreat & please make me so thankful for all the beauty I come to take for granted.

Cal shared with me the journal pieces he was given last week. What joy & comfort it brings. God our Father who delights to give us good gifts, please lead & guide & bless. For Your glory.

Please, also, I ask that You let us know with all our beings that we are meeting You this morning in Your worship. Please cause us to be still & know that You are God. Please help us to worship you in spirit & in truth. Without Your aid, we remain dull.

Matthew 22:29: Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures nor the power of God.

February 17

What a wonderful Lord's Day we had! From Pastor Hobbs; opening prayer to the end of the day. Yesterday as we relistened to the RVW album I was blessed to know how he'd answered the prayer of this song, on which I meditated as we drove on Meridian Road to church Sunday a.m.

Disposer Supreme, and Judge of the earth,
Who choosest for thine the weak and the poor,
To frail earthen vessels, and things of no worth
Entrusting thy riches which ay shall endure;
Those vessels soon fail, though full of thy light,
And at thy decree are broken and gone;
Then brightly appeareth the aim of thy might;
As through the clouds breaking the lightnings have shone.
Like clouds are they borne to do thy great will,
And swift as the winds about the world go;
All full of thy Godhead, while earth lieth still,
They thunder, they lighten. The waters o'erflow.
O loud be their trump, and stirring the sound,
To rouse us, O Lord, from sin's deadly sleep;
May lights which though kindlest in darkness around
The dull soul awaken her vigils to keep!
All honor and praise, dominion and might,
To thee, Three in One, eternally be,
Who pouring around us thy glorious light,
Dost call us from darkness thy glory to see.

Words: Jean-Baptiste de Santeüil, 1686

Pastor Hobbs' prayer was such a beautiful mixture of the immanent & the transcendent--he spoke in very common language & falteringly & in very informal language, but the reverence & humility into which it led us, and the scripture to which he constantly referred was quite a picture of how God entrusts His riches in failing vessels. I could see six years aging on Pastor Hobbs. Then the power of the Word preached was magnificent. He is not eloquent as some (still, he's a good preacher) but the Holy Spirit is faithful to the preached Word. I'm not saying this well with all the interruptions of the children but how thrilled & thankful I was at hearing the Word & what humility & thanksgiving I believe it produced in the hearers.

He read Exodus 3 where Moses meets God & learns His name. Then Matthew 22:23-33 where Christ confronted by the Sadducees about the resurrection (which they didn't believe in anyhow!) Then Hebrews 12:1- I've ordered the tape to hear it again--there was so much there. But that Christ explained "I AM" (not I was) the God of Abraham, Isaac, & Jacob & all those in Christ are still living. It was a very tender & encouraging sermon by its end I was crying. Later I laughed at this joke I seem to have with God. It seems whenever I have a thought: "Well, I can't imagine crying in worship today--I feel so happy & up & steady," invariably I do cry. Now I could just not have thought at all, but it always comes, almost like a dare. There are days when I feel as if I might cry, and then I do, but so funny that the days I think positively about not crying, I do. There are days when I don't think anything at all--& those days I don't usually cry.

What made me cry most of all was the great encouragement about being with the Lord. I need to reread Cal's notes to remember more. It even encouraged me for & about Grandpa. Speaking of whom I need to go see if he's showering.

Thank you, dear Heavenly Father, for the preached Word today. I sought the Lord, and He heard me, And delivered me from all my fears. How I long to know God, to know His presence. Yet it seems He withholds these sensations from me, or perhaps my sin stands in the way. My mind continues to be plagued by confusion, or confused seasons, regarding the turmoil in the church's session. Last night I got my desire and heard more of the present conflict, but this morning, in the sanctuary, the knowledge of it, coupled with my sense of bereavement was too much. I had prayed to meet the Lord in worship today.l From before the start of worship I wept--wept for weariness, for sorrow, for my own sin---even of self-pity. At one time I even thought I would have to leave. Then after it seemed I got myself under control I turned my face to hear the sermon. And it was as if he took a bow and arrow and shot right at my heart. I hope to get the tape and listen carefully so I know what all I learned. But it was so pointedly for me that by the end of the sermon I knew that I had my answers--that God was indeed present in crafting this sermon for and into my heart. Father, thank you for showing me your tender and merciful lovingkindness. Now help me to live for You.

Susan finished and framed "Godliness with contentment is great gain" for Leigh Ann Duhm & gave it to her today. A thank you gift for all the clothing LA has given her over the past several years. It was a beautiful little piece.

Today was as blessed as last Sunday was a difficult blessing. We had the Greers over along with the Lindleys, Bryan Walter, Renee, Megan Vanderhart, David Rowe; It was a blessing to get to know the Greers a bit. Hearing how the Greers came to reformed faith from a Baptist culture was such an encouragement. Encouraging that God is bringing people to faith and godliness from all over in all sorts of ways. Encouraging that God might bring new people to our church.

It seems good to go ahead and use your book, Susan dear, as my own journal. I got this down just now to do so, it having occurred to me today that it would be helpful to my spiritual life to once again record God's mercies. But when I first sat with it open I closed it again and returned it to the shelf because it seems so much your book as I've begun it. But as I reshelved it, I realized that practically I shall rarely have times to write exclusively of you. It was a bold project I started to keep a journal for each of my children. But when I began it with David's in 1985 I never realized I'd have the seven of you precious children, or how demanding & consuming life would be with all of you in training. So perhaps one day my notes might be of help to you and your siblings, but now I use your book and pray that God will meet me here as I recount His Word and His work in my life.

I saw you today, dear daughter, in your blossoming youthful beauty. And how healthy you look. Standing in the living room telling us something this afternoon, I saw the roses in your cheeks and your perfect skin & beautiful eyes. But far greater blessing is God's touch, no, God's clutch on your life. May you serve Him well. And with things even greater than piano accompaniment and pecan pie and French bread. May He give you a sweet patience toward your siblings. May He save you from an arrogant spirit, puffed up with knowledge.

Today the Lord blessed me with sermons and psalms and hymns and grace. I went to bed last night with apprehensions about today. We'd gained a large dinner table list, including several who have been at odds with us and our other guests. But through the night the relationships worked out in sweetness in my dreams & I woke with expectation. I know the Lord is teaching us to love one another--even while we stand for truth. I think we have an opportunity to be examples of this to some others. I pray the Lord will make it so.

Father. Thank you for your Presence with us. Thank you for the cheer of hearing from Cal twice this evening as he waited in Cincinnati [before we had cell phones]. Thank you for his optimism. Thank you for faith. Thank you for being Faithful. Make us faithful, I pray. Thank you for the cheer of hearing the bustle in the background when I called Summit Ministries to announce Cal's flight plan change; for the cheerfulness in the voice of the operator at Summit. I pray that You would make me cheerful in this week ahead with my children & their grandmother. We watched Cal & Susan's plane until it was out of sight. Talked to an old woman who had had six children. (Nonnie glowed with pride in her 12 grandchildren.) Drove home via Brainerd Rd. Decided against Bojangles or swimming. Made fried rice scrambled eggs for supper. Mother washed up while children & I tidied up & vacuumed. Then we watched the Laurie-Greg wedding video. Grace grabbed the wooden spoon from me stabbing it into the upper part of my eye socket in doing so. Flash of white light but no apparent damage. I used the spoon appropriately. Kilby kneed Nonnie's right hand/wrist/arm in hopping into our bed--by accident. Mother is still carrying her arm gingerly while insisting it is OK. Going to sleep at 9:50 p.m. Tomorrow Nickajack lake with Skogens & Baileys.

Lord, please help me to come to You. I pray that your Holy Spirit would make clear to me how I offend You and then I pray that He would give me the grace of Christ to live in Christ. These hard days for us in your church are teaching us so much. They also reveal to me the unplumbed depths of sin in my own heart that makes me sad to see. Forgive me for my binding desire to please & be accepted by some men. Forgive me for not looking at You alone, to You alone. Forgive me for not listening carefully in my desire to be thought well of. Forgive me, please, for the great lack of love in my own being. Please, I pray for your Holy Spirit to build the love of Christ in me. Forgive me for taking my eyes off You just long enough to see how much You are doing in me for then I struggle with pride. And how foolish, because it is truly none of me, but all of You that is good. Also please forgive me for my scattered brain of late. I feel a growing sloth that confuses me. Help me to be so focused on your calling and so obedient that I might not be so overwhelmed by disorganization & tiredness. Thank You for all the routines & graces You have given us that makes for a life of peace. I see ever more how sinful is the desire to know what is not given to us to know, and how wasteful is life when we strive to find out. Yet please help us to know the things we need to know to serve You well. Wouldn't it have been better to have known about P's involvement in Planned Parenthood to have stayed away from the dedication/celebration as Earl & Selah did? And yet in your providence we did attend. Oh Father, how it grieved some of us to hear our mighty, omnipotent, holy and precious God referred to as the "Big Man Upstairs." Help us to pray faithfully and righteously for the college. Lord, bring about, please, a humble courage in our prayers, our public prayers as well. Help us to please You--it is the desire You have given us.

Sunday evening. When Grace woke us (Becky & me; Cal in Chicago) this morning at 7 I tuned in the radio station that plays praise/worship songs on Sunday morning. The meditation on the hymns was a lovely way to begin the day. And much accomplished yesterday & no company today allowed me to stay in bed, resting with the children, enjoying the Lord. We had a breezy morning, dressed Becky first!, and were early for opening exercises. Even as we sang songs there I struggled with the ongoing battle of my soul--going through the motions I know so well in order to impress others. Oh, how I hate that sin. Oh, how I mourn for a real & present relationship with the God I praise. So many things make me stumble--my vanity for one. Before the service I read through the prayer in the bulletin, offering it to God as my own. This day I tried more diligently to sing my best, not thinking constantly about my best, or my impression on others, but trying to pray the words to the Lord. And still I am distracted. I fervently prayed that which I hestitate* praying--that God would do what He must to remove this self-consciousness from me--to make me pure & sincere. (*hestitation because I am afraid of His discipline, or afraid of being found out, or afraid of being embarrassed. ) And then the confession of sin for the day: ". . .praise has often been praiseless sound." Tonight Kevin mentioned this in his preaching: How God prescribed & then hated the sacrifices of his people, because they were not done in spirit & in truth, but were empty rituals. And then "Give us perpetual broken-heartedness; Keep us always clinging to Thy cross." And that is where I am. My soul does wait for the Lord. He is faithful, and He will do it. David told me this weekend that the devotions at the campout was about our need to have a relationship with God Himself & not just to talk about him or know about Him or to learn about Him from others. It convicts me. Even as I write I think of sharing my thoughts with Cal. And when is it just a quiet offering to the Lord? Came home tonight from church full of many thoughts I am unable to express. I do want just to be quiet and wait on the Lord. And I guess that is all I can do. I can't do things right in my own strength. I hid in the tree house for a few moments just for the quietness. I found I could not even pray intelligently. But knew my task, my place, my calling by the Lord I long to worship, to know, to see, is to go back to my family to serve them.

Father, thank You for giving me this day prayers you would so graciously answer & with such certainty. Thank You for all the beautiful ways in which many threads of thought were woven together today. Remember the thought as I gazed into the spring trees on the last curve before Rock City? A desire to be in Your presence, even if by death? And then the first hymn tonight--the one after How Lovely Shines the Morning Star--the one about life and death:

Jesus, I live to thee, the loveliest and best;
my life in thee, thy life in me, in thy blest love I rest.

Jesus, I die to thee, whenever death shall come;
to die in thee is life to me in my eternal home.

Whether to live or die, I know not which is best;
to live in thee is bliss to me, to die is endless rest.

Living or dying, Lord, I ask but to be thine;
my life in thee, thy life in me, makes heaven forever mine.

Wonderful Lord's Day. Birthday party for Mallie. She was surprised, pleased. Jonathan Landrum came. Awoke this morning & heard first The Church's One Foundation. Longed to sing it at church. Then Kevin's sermon on Eph. 5:22, 23 was so fitting. He used it tonight at evening worship [the hymn I wanted to sing]. Also ##485 [O Thou That Hear'st When Sinners Cry], 550 [There Is a Land of Pure Delight], 605 [All the Way My Savior Leads Me]! What a wonderful time of worship. And all on just five short hours of sleep & a hyperventilating spell at 2 a.m. A blessed day. Paul Heubach comes for dinner tomorrow.

Had a wonderful hug from Elizabeth Compton after prayer mtg tonight. So full of friendship & love. I love her for loving me as an equal & not being afraid of my being so much older & experienced. What a lovely little sister. Who would ever have guessed it?! Especially dear as tonight when her husband prayed I realized that now it is that I would be having the baby I miscarried in January. Only now was there a tinge of longing for the baby & not just a complete acceptance of reality. I cried just a little bit. And I prayed God would bless them with many children. She's three weeks late on her period now & nursing Ruthie is painful. I was able to share with Eliz alone (who else but maybe Cal) my wistfulness over Thankful's death.

Kids' & I spent an hour at the Steeles' this afternoon while Alice worked at church. Pizza w/ Paul Heubach [an elder] who brought roses from Cal before prayer mtg. Paul's comments before prayer were so good & thoughtful. Hymn 649--More Love to Thee O Christ--Do we ask God to send those trials that sanctify & prove our sonship?

Had a good day after a discouraging start. Cleaned 7 storm windows & the living room window. Alice helped with babies. Called Pinky [my older sister] tonight as a birthday present.

I will extol You, my God, O King; and I will bless Your name forever and ever. Every day I will bless You, and I will praise Your name forever and ever. Psalm 145:1, 2

I left the church during the last hymn tonight in tears. Only David, who was already at the van with the babies who I'd taken out & spanked & carseated, saw me. And Alice who came to explain why she hadn't come for dinner. She said she'd pray for me. It is weariness at being without Cal, of disciplining the children & so ineffectively so constantly, of disappointment (or self-pity?) that some people never even talk to me, much less help me with a practical hand or a word of encouragement. I prayed for help & we were through with makeshift "Ramen Alfredo" by 8 p.m. The kids are now in bed & Becky here with me reading her Addy book. I pray, Lord, not only to get through this week, but to do so with more success than the piles & baskets & clutter around my room right now bespeak of last week's. I pray, Lord, for energy of body & of heart, for cheerfulness, for ability to guide the children. I pray for safety & a certain return of Cal. And I pray earnest for the salvation of my children for

It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. The words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life. John 6:63

Tuesday. What a day. God's mercies are new every morning. And His mercies of grace never cease to amaze me, to humble me. Last night as I lay suffering the worst pain yet with my throat & ear, remembering the chaos of the day, the pains of the day, the disorder & confusion; wanting to be able to sleep in--to draw only my children around me & do what I wanted--but unable to because Jon Cordes would be back, Mallie is with us, Sisi & Bethany wanted to come over--as I lay there discouraged & dreading the morrow I may have prayed for grace. And waking at 11:22 p.m. & 6:30 a.m. to phone calls for Mallie. The Lord kept reminding me of His sovereignty & my need to submit to it with grace & humility. And He gave me grace to do it. I woke this a.m. before six. Got up when Mallie's phone call woke Grace & got ahead of everything. All the children were groomed & fed before Jon ever came & with David off early to mow 3 yards & the children back in their routines. And the sun was out so they could play outdoors. And I changed B & K's schooling to simply reading a fairly long passage of their choice to me out of their Bibles. Took David to Arnolds' at 2--he would help Dean w/yardwork--& picked up Bethany who would help me with the children at Mountain Maze while we waited through K & S's piano lessons. We had supper at 5:30 after Lili took Sisi home (who'd come just before 2) with the Arnolds' kids (so they could go out) then David & I returned to Arnolds' to put Tabitha to bed. My throat is getting better I think & I'm going to sleep before ten. I'm so sleepy. Jon will be done tomorrow & it looks so nice.

Blessed is every one who fears the LORD, who walks in His ways. Psalm 128:1

How nice to sink into my feather pillow tonight. My throat still hurts when I swallow but I'm hoping it will be better in the morning. It is early & everyone's in bed. Much progress on extra clothes closet today & the kids mostly happy with the day though the fifth or sixth day of rain. I'm exhausted from battling with control over children all day. But direct interaction with all of them. I am learning to love them each. Lord, please bless us with enough health to go to church tomorrow. And perhaps Mallie's trip to Brazil will be a blessing in getting even closer to & getting more help from the kids. Lord, if her trip pleases You, make it also please Craig Lyon.